I don’t know about you but the way I like to learn new things is first figure it out myself. You might have had moments like this. A friend introduces you to something new and you say something like; mwah… we’ll see. As you go home, you start investigating it, but in your own way.
Stubborn as you are, you try and try and in the end it feels like it was your idea in the first place. Because when it works, it will be your credit. Funny how my mind works like that, right?
I catch myself say “mwah” to sometimes the greatest opportunities. After that I wander around and try things for myself for a few months or a year and then ending up thinking: I could have done this a year sooner. And buy the product or the follow up the suggestion of the other person anyway.
This tendency to want to figure things out myself have cost me so much time.
It has left me feeling alone and helpless and most of the time it didn’t work out.
Trying to figure things out for myself was very time consuming, especially because it were skills I didn’t possess before starting and I chose to have nobody around me that I could ask how things worked. That was just not productive at all.
Why did I do it the hard way? Who did I need to prove I could do it myself?
Inner child at the wheel
With all the coaching experience and turning myself inside out the last couple of years I got to know a couple of my patterns pretty well. Yet this one was forgotten. There was a little girl (4-5 years old) that wanted to prove she could do things by herself for once. She stamped her little feet and was angry that she didn’t get the encouragement that she could do things herself. She was sick and tired of hearing that she couldn’t do things, or couldn’t do things as well as… Blleeehhhh!!!
That is who I see in front of me know when I have a thought like: I can do it myselef!!
The inner child that didn’t get the encouragement that she could do it herself, was feeling left out and wanted to prove things to me now. There is no way that this child is going to accept any help, from anyone or acknowledge that someone else knows it better. SHE WANT TO SHOW EVERYONE!
But when I let her take over the WHEEL OF MY LIFE it is going to become a struggle of proving somebody Wrong or Right. And my life is way too precious for that. So my grown up self, gives her the encouragement, lets her do the thing that she is good at; be creative or give an idea and then lets her sit in the back seat again. Thank you for sharing, I know you want to help.
Maybe you have some part of you inside that is also too angry or stubborn to ask for help. Look at how this example has made you feel. When you recognize it, you will know. Do some inner child work and you will be well on your way of taking over the Wheel of your Life again.
You are the only one you have to be good enough for
Since I have been telling myself to be gentle, that I am doing the best I can and that there is nobody out there that I have to be good enough for, a lot of things have changed in my life. I become more happy with what I’ve got and what I do. It is easier to make decisions and I feel completely okay with asking someone for help. Because it is no longer about feeling good enough – it is about creating the result I want.
When did you not ask for help because you felt it was about you and not about the result you want?
It can be a real eye-opener when you start to see your inner process going like this. Instead of you figuring everything out yourself and becoming frustrated because there is nobody that you can ask if you are doing it right and the skills you are acquiring are so new that it takes too much of your time.
Get behind the question and behind the pattern you have created.
Why are you choosing to figure things out yourself or not take someone’s advice, even though you are interested? What part of you is so stubborn that it doesn’t want to listen and just wants to prove to everyone that you can do it yourself?
This has been a real life changing insight for me. And I hope it will be for you too.
There is nothing wrong with asking for guidance
There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for help or advice from someone that has gone the path before you. You will not lose anything, you can still be very authentic and real even if you follow someone else’s path for the first few miles.
I compare it sometimes to the Camino. I was stubborn then too and I walked it in reverse. I didn’t want to walk in anyone’s footsteps and wanted the experience to be unique and completely mine. Yet I was making it so much harder for myself. There were guiding signals the whole way telling me to turn around and walk towards Santiago de Compostella, yet I ignored it and kept walking the other way. I wanted to be different, I wanted a unique experience. So that was the result I got.
But when I apply this strategy to other parts of my life, for example business. I was not getting the results I wanted, because I was too stubborn to ask for guidance from the people that have done it before me. I was afraid I would fail because it wasn’t my own way or that I would lose my authenticity. These fears and doubts had inner children written all over them too. Once I saw that, I could choose differently.
I started making choices based on the results I wanted and started to follow the people that were in my eyes as authentic and successful as I wanted to be. When I had found those people it didn’t stop me from asking for guidance. I even learned so much more because of this guidance and it saved me more than years in time.
Gabby Bernstein was one of those teachers. I am still so grateful for everything she has taught me and she is still one of my inspirations. When you ask for guidance, you just need to make sure you are asking the right people…
When you would ask me now:
“Would you follow the advice of a person telling you about a great new way of reaching your goals?” I would say: “Yes, I would follow the guidance and make it my own as I go.”
I have lost too much precious time in figuring things out for myself first. And the people that gave me the advice I am thankful for all that you have given me, you were beautiful signs on my path but I was stubborn and wanted to walk backwards. I love you and I ask for your understanding and compassion. There is a stubborn little girl stamping her feet inside all of us. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.
If you have had a similar experience or you wonder what stamping inner child is blocking you from asking for guidance, please share in the comments. I’m also open to discuss the subject, for I know there will be some teenage inner children out there, wanting to get their gram. 😀 LOL.
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There is no reason why you should keep struggling by yourself.
I have made lots of life changing decisions in the past few years, all of which have been great and exciting. I like to work things out for myself most of the time, but I believe these big decisions need to be informed. This makes life a bit easier, reduces the amount of mistakes made and makes progress quicker. So, sometimes getting guidance is the best thing to do.
Quite a poignant article, correct on many fronts.
We do sometimes have a stubborn side in terms of reaching out for help, and I think this is a sticky subject depending upon what your issue is.
If you are confident going down a road to achieve success whether it be business or personal, good luck to you, but never be afraid to ask for a helping hand when required.
Hi Shane thanks for dropping in. I hope this honest share let’s you see something inside of yourself too. We all have those different sides of ourselves, it’s helpful to acknowledge them so they don’t get in the way of your progress. Good luck to you.
I think everyone is considering thousands of life changing decisions, but we are afraid of changes and will we be able to do it the right way.. Reaching for help is always a good thing, at least start with a family.. That’s the way I am doing and can’t complain but still struggling with some changes..